The Rodeo

Attention: Potential Parents

I know that of the several readers I still have, there are at least several considering reproducing. I present here a few of the downsides that come with spawning little humans.

1 - Bodily fluids - small children manage to expel somewhere in the order of three times their body weight in fluids every day (and more when they are sick). The unrelenting tide of filth that exudes from kids manages to get everywhere. No clothing, furniture or orifice* is safe.

2 - Sleep deprivation - I’ve never been drunk, but I think that the reduction in regular sleep means I’m often worse than the alcoholics that wander the train hurling abuse at anyone they make eye contact with. More often than not, it is the spouse that ends up on the receiving end of this enforced sleeplessness. The reduction in working IQ is also considerable - imagine you never finished third grade - that level of intelligence you’d kill for.

3 - Reversion to the 3rd person - Daddy is often found referring to himself as though he was an external entity. Even at work. This lack of personal pronouns has a profound effect on his mind. Does ‘I’ even exist any more, or is it merely a hallucination.

4 - Money? What’s that? - OK, this one isn’t quite that bad, but it is a fact that small children cost a fair amount to run. You can get by without costing too much, but you won’t likely be able to impulse buy that new plasma TV, or go out to a fancy restaurant more than once every blue moon.

5 - Lack of personal space - As your mini-people get slightly less miniature, you will find they want to climb all over you. But only when you are trying to do something, like eat. Or sleep. Oh yes, a little man launching himself onto your back while you try and recover from the lack of sleep is an almost certainty. And for someone so small, they manage to always hit the most vulnerable spots**.

There is, however, an upside to having children, and it is this:

RodeoClown: loves his kids.

*I’ve heard it suggested that the worst place to cop a spew from a small kid is in the mouth. This is bunk. The worst is in the ear - you can spit out anything that lands in your cake-hole and remove the flavour with copious mints, toothpaste and mouthwash, but when it gets in your ear, weeks later you’ll still feel the squidging. It’s impossible to remove.

**Yes, that’s exactly what I meant.

You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

Comments policy:
I'm pretty happy with you to post anything you want, I love reading what other people think about what I write, but I reserve the right to edit any comment, for any reason. Please don't be offended, it's for the best.

Also, If this is the first time you've posted here, you'll notice a small delay before your comment is seen on the site. I clear each person who posts here to try and stop the horrible enslaught of spam that has been unleased upon comments everywhere.