The Rodeo

The following things are not attractive:

0. Smoking - Don’t. Just. Don’t. It’s disgusting, and makes you look and smell like a walking ashtray.
1. Swearing - When a man swears it is uncouth and rude. When a woman swears it is uncouth, rude and extremely ugly.
2. Spitting - See number 1.
3. Giant Sunglasses - They do not look good on you. They make you look like a fly, or a late 19th century pilot. These only look good on small children, as seen below.

RodeoClown: helping the ladies look good.
Updated: How could I forget smoking. Ugh!

Do NOT use their mobile internet service… 2.8MB = $43… That’s roughly $15 per megabyte.

To summarise: do not use Telstra’s mobile internet service. Also, if you are thinking of getting a Telstra mobile, don’t. I’m pretty frustrated that I did. The phone is nice, the service is not.

I thought the government should keep full control of Telstra before. Now I hope it gets sold, and quickly, and they can start competing - either that or it hurries up and dies, so a decent phone company can take over and get rid of the extravagantly priced line rental, shocking internet prices and terrible mobile phone service.

RodeoClown: ripped (and ticked) off.

1) Don’t mumble (especially when English is your second language)!
2) I don’t know to call what I want my hair to look like - short, brush-backable, shaved on the sides
3) When I put my thumb and forefinger t-h-i-s far apart, it means that is how long I would like the hair on top of my head to be
4) Keep the $10 haircut - it is an acceptable price
5) Sweep the floor occasionally

RodeoClown: has cold ears.

What gets the most out of me? Respect. Trust. Confidence. When someone expresses confidence in me, shows trust, shows respect, that is when I feel the most driven to give 110% or more.

-Dan Phillips, Glimpse into the psyche of a half-decent guy (for the ladies)

Most people will try and exceed your expectations of them. Expect them to fail, and they’ll do it spectacularly. Expect greatness, and they’ll do their best to meet it.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t work if you expect greatness for twenty minutes, and then give up. That kind of flip-flopping will more than likely provide the exact opposite response.

In the comments of Dan’s post, “Kim” wrote the following:

I learned the hard way that when I express doubt in my husband, he figures there’s no pleasing, so why bother. Showing trust and confidence does indeed work much better.

Ladies, that pretty much sums up we men. We’ll take the easiest route every time. If putting in extra effort gains us no benefit*, next time we won’t bother.

Lads, take note - even if she doesn’t seem to notice, try and put in the hard yards. If you can give your woman a reason to encourage you, hopefully she’ll start doing it more often, in response you will try even harder - and then you can start a positive feedback loop, and eventually explode with encouragement and achievement**.

Excuses of “s/he didn’t, so I won’t” don’t cut it. It’s hard work, but worth it.

RodeoClown: reinforcing positively

*Benefits can include a smile, encouraging words, lasagne, and more!
**That’s probably a good thing…

Attention: Potential Parents

I know that of the several readers I still have, there are at least several considering reproducing. I present here a few of the downsides that come with spawning little humans.

1 - Bodily fluids - small children manage to expel somewhere in the order of three times their body weight in fluids every day (and more when they are sick). The unrelenting tide of filth that exudes from kids manages to get everywhere. No clothing, furniture or orifice* is safe.

2 - Sleep deprivation - I’ve never been drunk, but I think that the reduction in regular sleep means I’m often worse than the alcoholics that wander the train hurling abuse at anyone they make eye contact with. More often than not, it is the spouse that ends up on the receiving end of this enforced sleeplessness. The reduction in working IQ is also considerable - imagine you never finished third grade - that level of intelligence you’d kill for.

3 - Reversion to the 3rd person - Daddy is often found referring to himself as though he was an external entity. Even at work. This lack of personal pronouns has a profound effect on his mind. Does ‘I’ even exist any more, or is it merely a hallucination.

4 - Money? What’s that? - OK, this one isn’t quite that bad, but it is a fact that small children cost a fair amount to run. You can get by without costing too much, but you won’t likely be able to impulse buy that new plasma TV, or go out to a fancy restaurant more than once every blue moon.

5 - Lack of personal space - As your mini-people get slightly less miniature, you will find they want to climb all over you. But only when you are trying to do something, like eat. Or sleep. Oh yes, a little man launching himself onto your back while you try and recover from the lack of sleep is an almost certainty. And for someone so small, they manage to always hit the most vulnerable spots**.

There is, however, an upside to having children, and it is this:

RodeoClown: loves his kids.

*I’ve heard it suggested that the worst place to cop a spew from a small kid is in the mouth. This is bunk. The worst is in the ear - you can spit out anything that lands in your cake-hole and remove the flavour with copious mints, toothpaste and mouthwash, but when it gets in your ear, weeks later you’ll still feel the squidging. It’s impossible to remove.

**Yes, that’s exactly what I meant.

I’ve been published in a magazine.

You can read it for free here.
Or you could get a paper version, of which I have four remaining on my desk (they are much nicer to read than PDF files).

Tell me what you think, my article is right near the back, ‘Unfinished Tales’.

I can’t remember if I named it or not.

RodeoClown: always hangs around.

I spotted a scrawled-upon roadwork sign yesterday: “Americans are racists!”

I wonder if the irony was intentional.
Probably not. All vandals are idiots.

RodeoClown: every generalisation is wrong.

If you are a lady who gets surgery to make you look like a dude downstairs, and then the government gives you a bit of paper that says they will pretend like you are really a dude, and not just a lady with a beard and some dangly bits stuck on, and then you decide that you want a kid and stop taking the dude-pills, so you can get pregnant…

I think that pretty conclusively proves that you aren’t really a dude. Just a lady who really wants to be a dude - and I mean, what lady doesn’t?

RodeoClown: is a real dude.